What are some typical communication challenges new parents face after the birth of a child?

In a heteronormative couple, a common dynamic that plays out is women feel abandoned and invisible, while men feel as if they are constantly failing. With dads often having to return to work very quickly following delivery, moms are left with the responsibility of being primary caregiver and managing things at home. This can lead to a feeling of imbalance within the relationship, with women feeling like the majority of sacrifices made were by her. 

In an attempt to feel more like a team, women might call out the areas they want their partner to show up. This can be received as accusatory, and men tend to build a narrative that they are failing or nothing they do is ever good enough. The more the woman seeks this type of connection, the more attacked the man feels and thus the further he retreats, creating a dysfunctional cycle of disconnection for them both.

What strategies do you recommend for couples to maintain healthy communication during this time?

1. Try to remember that you both are on the same team. It is not you versus your partner, but you WITH your partner tackling the challenges that come with postpartum. 
2. Get help beyond just the two of you if at all possible. Lean on family, friends, and paid help for support with household responsibilities and childcare to ease the mental load and relational stress. 

Schedule a weekly marriage meeting where you share what you’re grateful for in one another, go over the to-do list and finances for the week, schedule something to look forward to, and address any “hard topic” conversations. More information on this can be found here (3). 

How can sleep deprivation and hormonal changes contribute to communication difficulties?

Postpartum puts you into a state of depletion, making your needs higher while also ebbing your ability to self-regulate. In addition you are expected to operate as your most evolved self in the role of parenting. You have this brand new little baby, and you probably had some level of expectation of feeling tired yet blissful. As if the love you feel for your child makes the hardships of postpartum unfelt. In reality, it can be just the opposite. The stress of postpartum can inhibit the enjoyment of it. It can predispose you to have a shorter fuse. You might notice yourself being easier to anger. You don’t have the energy to be as intentional as you want to be with your relationship, so your words get more careless. Pain has a funny way of demanding our attention, making us so focused on our own unmet needs that empathy for your partner is harder to access. 

Can you explain some common emotional and psychological changes couples might experience during the postpartum period?

When a woman gives birth, she undergoes drastic changes physically, hormonally, and neurologically (1). Combine these changes with shifts in identity, unmet expectations, and depletion of basic needs (queue sleepless nights, missed meals, not showering, etc.), and we can begin to understand how great the emotional and psychological impact of postpartum might be on the mom. With the level of intensity that we are experiencing these changes, comes an increased vulnerability for mental health issues. 

This is not just a transformative time for women, though. Men, too, are in a deep transition. They may face a loss of independence and control, difficulty bonding with their baby, struggling to find a work/life balance, anxiety, and perhaps even jealousy of the attention that the new baby gets (2). These are uncomfortable feelings to have and can be hard to admit or talk about, particularly when you do not want to add any additional burden to your partner. 

Understanding how much change is happening within each person, we can expect that the relationship, too, faces growing pains. Parents can feel they are in “roommate mode” and may even feel resentful towards the other person. You can feel a bit invisible in your experience and lost in it all. 

These changes can sound scary to couples – and understandably so! It is a challenging season of life, no doubt. But it is also rich in opportunity. When each person can show up willing to be intentional and wanting to connect, postpartum offers a unique time in a relationship to improve broken communication patterns, extend unconditional love, and even find new levels of connection as they share in such a vulnerable time together. 

When should couples consider seeking therapy for communication issues postpartum?

There is no need to wait until you are in an extreme crisis to seek support. The phrase “it takes a village” is not only in regards to childcare. Couples therapy can be a part of your “village” so that you and your partner find the balance and support you need to thrive in your relationship and in your transition into parenthood. Whether you are expecting your first, just welcomed a younger sibling into the family, are needing support adjusting to toddlerhood, or anywhere in between, choosing couples therapy is a great way to protect time to focus and invest in your relationship in a meaningful way that will have a positive impact on every member of the family. 

Can you share any success stories where improved communication significantly benefited a couple’s relationship postpartum?

I have worked with couples who felt that a conversation was impossible to have without it turning into a blowout fight. And, after a few months of treatment, they were joining sessions and showing affection and appreciation for one another. This was accomplished by building genuine curiosity towards each other in how they were feeling and real commitment to connection. There was a visible shift in their demeanor, and improved satisfaction. 

Can you suggest any unconventional or creative methods that couples can use to communicate their needs and feelings when words seem inadequate during the postpartum period?

One method I love is from relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, and it is called a “repair attempt.” Repair attempts are just as they sound, something that you and your partner have decided upon that when introduced into conflict is a signal to each other that you can feel things getting heated and you want to repair and reconnect before it gets out of hand (4). These can be silly such as putting on a party hat or moving the conversation to the bathtub. The genius of it is that it breaks the mood and allows for relational circuits to turn back on. It won’t solve every problem, but it will remind you that you are solving them from a place of togetherness. 

Sources

1. Brain plasticity in pregnancy and the postpartum period: links to maternal caregiving and mental health – PMC (nih.gov)
2. For Dads | Postpartum Health Alliance
3. https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/family/how-and-why-to-hold-a-weekly-marriage-meeting/
4. R is for Repair (gottman.com)