What does “building a village” mean to you in the context of postpartum support?
We always hear “it takes a village” to raise kids, but I think many new parents are surprised when a village doesn’t automatically show up for them. The postpartum period often looks so different than we expect for many reasons, and the lack of support is one of them. I often hear, “but where is my village?!” in sessions with women.
Loved ones may reach out right after delivery with meals, text messages, and visits to meet the baby. This tends to disappear as babies become a little older. When we talk about “building a village,” we are considering taking control of what support looks like in the early phases of parenting.
When we think about building a village, we want to consider engaging in both the emotional side of parenting, as well as having physical help with various challenges.
Why is it so important for postpartum moms to have a support network in place?
Bringing home a baby can be such an isolating, confusing, and overwhelming experience. Without support, these feelings can be amplified. When women are preparing to have a baby, we often encourage them to consider different people for different types of support- emotional support, food, and professional support. Being proactive about engaging a village in this period can help prevent a lot of postpartum issues from escalating. It’s a safety net of people when we need it the most.
What are some common challenges moms face when trying to create their own support system?
Many women expect family and friends to show up regularly, though this isn’t always the reality. If someone is one of the first of their friends to have a baby, they may feel that their group doesn’t understand their new normal. It may be challenging to find other parents who understand what this period is like. Sometimes, new moms are just too tired to meet new people or coordinate help. This can be a great opportunity to get their partner involved.
What does “outsourcing your village” mean?
While it isn’t always financially possible, I often recommend thinking about ways to outsource a village. This is a temporary expense that can have a big impact. What feels the most overwhelming? Is it laundry, preparing food, the lack of sleep, or having older children at home too? If there is a way to budget hiring help for these things, now is the time to do it. This could mean ordering groceries and meals, hiring a night nurse, starting therapy, meeting with a lactation consultant, or having a babysitter a few hours a week.
What’s your advice for moms who feel guilty or hesitant about asking for help from their village?
Just because you are capable of doing it all doesn’t mean you have to.. When a mom prioritizes support and their own well being, their entire family system benefits. Asking for help is a sign of strength and self awareness. When we take a proactive approach to building support, the postpartum period can be a much smoother and enjoyable transition.
For moms who don’t have nearby family or close friends, what are some alternative ways to build a village?
Find other people who are going through a similar stage as you. Put yourself out there and meet other moms that are likely also looking for support. Parks, daycares, music classes, the library, and online matching apps are great places to do this. These people can be lifelines and offer a lot of emotional support with this transition.
I also recommend hiring childcare (if it is financially feasible) in the early stages of postpartum. Having someone you trust come for a few hours so that you can do something on your own can be hugely beneficial. Remember, your wellbeing matters just as much as the baby’s does.
How can moms identify and avoid relationships that may be draining or unhelpful to their mental well-being?
This is so important. We all have relationships in our lives that are emotionally taxing and that make us feel drained. While these people may be important to us,, early parenthood is a time to set boundaries. New moms need to prioritize people that make us feel confident, supported, and validated. This can be especially difficult when family members want to be involved but are emotionally unhelpful. It’s always okay to step back from engaging in these relationships.
What are your tips for keeping the “village” mindset alive as children grow older and enter different stages?
Connection and community are crucial parts of raising a family. I always like to remind people that there is space for relationships that you may not consider “forever friends” and may just be “right now friends.” Having other people that know your children and can be called on when you need them can help you feel like there is truly a village behind you.