When IVF doesn’t lead to pregnancy, it’s not “just a failed procedure.” It’s a heartbreak. A grief. A quiet loss that many people carry alone.
If you know someone who just received the news that their IVF cycle didn’t work, you might be feeling unsure about how to support them.
You may be wondering: What do I say? What do I do? What do I send that won’t make it worse?
The truth is, there is no gift that can erase that pain. But your care, your tenderness, and your presence can make a very real difference.
At Matrescence, we work closely with individuals and couples navigating the emotional weight of fertility journeys—including the moments when things don’t go as hoped. And one of the most common questions we hear is: What to send someone whose IVF failed?
Let’s walk gently through the answers together.
How to comfort someone with failed IVF?
First and foremost: meet them where they are, not where you want them to be.
When someone is grieving an unsuccessful IVF cycle, the last thing they need is forced positivity or suggestions about what to do next. What they need is space to feel everything they’re feeling—and to know that those feelings are valid.
Here are some grounding phrases you might use when thinking about what to send someone whose IVF failed—in a note, a message, or a conversation:
“I’m so sorry. I know how much this meant to you. I’m holding your heart in mine.”
“There’s nothing I can say to take this away, but I’m here for whatever you need.”
“This doesn’t define your strength. You’re allowed to grieve. I’m not going anywhere.”
Avoid phrases like “at least you can try again” or “everything happens for a reason.” Even when well-intended, those words can land as dismissive or minimizing.
Support means staying close—even when you can’t fix it.
If you’re wondering how others have navigated this with loved ones, this Reddit thread on supporting a friend through failed IVF offers deeply honest reflections from those who have been there.
What is a gift for someone going through IVF?
When it comes to what to send someone whose IVF failed, the most thoughtful gifts are those that say, “I see you. I love you. I’m not asking anything from you.”
Here are a few ideas to consider:
- A handwritten card
It may sound simple, but heartfelt words can go a long way. Let them know you’re thinking of them—not because you expect a reply, but because you care.
- A care package
Include calming items like a soft blanket, a sleep mask, herbal tea, or a soothing candle. This isn’t about cheering them up. It’s about comfort.
- A meal delivery gift card
Decision fatigue and physical exhaustion are real. Helping them skip dinner prep can be a generous relief.
- A book that doesn’t mention babies
Avoid pregnancy memoirs or fertility books. Instead, choose something gentle, affirming, and free of emotional landmines.
- A reminder of their wholeness
A necklace. A journal. A piece of art. Something that says: You are still you. You are still loved.
When thinking about what to send someone whose IVF failed, think less about solving and more about soothing.
Your gift isn’t meant to change the story—it’s meant to sit quietly beside it.
What are the odds of having a second IVF baby after IVF?
This is a question that may cross your mind if your friend or loved one has had previous IVF success—or if they’re already thinking about trying again.
And while you might be tempted to encourage them with stats or stories, remember: not everyone is ready to talk about “next time.”
Still, it can be helpful to understand the context, especially if they ask.
Studies show that success rates for a second IVF baby (sometimes called a “sibling cycle”) can be slightly higher if there was a successful first cycle—but this depends on many variables: age, embryo quality, health conditions, and timing.
What matters most is their timeline. Their readiness. Their choice to try again—or not.
So when wondering what to send someone whose IVF failed, avoid rushing to future hopes. Instead, honor where they are right now. That’s where your support is needed most.
And if or when they are ready to talk about future possibilities, you can meet them with curiosity, not assumption.
What to do when an IVF transfer fails?
If you’re close to someone who just found out their embryo transfer didn’t lead to a pregnancy, you might feel helpless. But the truth is, your support matters more than you think.
Here’s what you can do:
- Acknowledge the loss
Even if there was no visible pregnancy, the hope was real. The loss is real. Don’t downplay it.
- Respect their boundaries
Some people want to talk. Others don’t. Let them lead. Let your care be quiet if it needs to be.
- Offer practical help
Can you drop off groceries? Walk their dog? Handle a chore? Grief can make the basics feel overwhelming.
- Check in—again
The grief of failed IVF doesn’t vanish in a week. Mark your calendar. Reach out in two weeks. In a month. Let them know you’re still there.
- Let them feel everything
Hope. Anger. Confusion. Numbness. Whatever comes up, let it come. And love them through it.
Above all, if you’re still unsure what to send someone whose IVF failed, know this: your presence, your patience, your willingness to witness their pain—that is the gift.
For more on how this shows up in relationships and how to begin shifting the balance, read our earlier blog post:
What Not to Say to Someone Going Through Fertility Treatment.
Final Thoughts: Love That Doesn’t Rush, Words That Don’t Fix
There is no perfect way to show up after IVF failure. But love doesn’t need to be perfect—it needs to be real.
When you ask what to send someone whose IVF failed, you’re asking how to meet someone in their most vulnerable moment. And the answer is simple, if not easy: meet them with tenderness.
Let your care be slow. Let your words be soft. Let your support be steady.
At Matrescence, we believe in honoring the heartbreak as much as the hope. IVF is a path paved with both. And when the outcome is loss, what matters most is knowing you’re not carrying it alone.
So send the card. Bring the soup. Say the awkward but honest thing. Be the one who shows up—not to fix, not to offer platitudes—but to say, simply: I see you. I’m here.
That’s more than enough. It’s everything.